​Every so often, someone with the public’s ear says something so profoundly stupid that I am forced to question the IQ of these neanderthals. Not since Justin “it happens for a reason” Bieber gave his dumbass opinion in Rolling Stone has someone so horrendously raped their own mouth with their evil foot. Or maybe, we’ve just all been misinformed by people with that silly Dr. in front of their names.

Now, according to Representative Todd Arkin (R-MO), vaginas are magical creatures ale to perform amazing feats of self-preservation. See, when a woman is raped (that would be, of course, legitimately raped) her hoo-haa works a mysterious voodoo to make sure the evil man’s little soldiers never make it to her baby-making department; Captain Cooter just flushes those bastards right back out. But if, nine months after the rape, you pop out a bouncing baby boy, you were not legitimacy raped cause the odds of that happening are so way low. If it was legitimate, your vajayjay would’ve taken care of that for you.

And Captain Cooter knows all. Must be why the government is slowly taking women’s rights away. The Power of the Pooka is too much for one individual to handle, especially a woman.

Is this man mentally deficient? Does he do shots of Drano? How is the ever-loving eternal could ancient people have understood what current people (like this dillwad) fail to realize? Rape can result in pregnancy. Now, in case there’s anyone else confused by this (and I hope the Hades there are not) let me explain…

First, let’s define rape: inserting a pole into a hole (possibly with an in and out motion) without permission. Simple, right? Now, under happy circumstances, when a penis (the pole) is inserted into the vagina (the hole) in a repeated motion (the in and out), friction makes the man’s balls tighten and he shoots a load off. This, dearies, can lead to pregnancy. Says so in every legitimate (see, I can’t stress that word too) medical book out there. Now, replace “happy circumstance” with “rape” and you’ll see that… oh, my, babies can still be made!

By stating that babies equal no legitimate (and by the way, what the fuck is legitimate rape? How is it different from the illegitimate variety?) rape; one is making a dangerous remark on a very serious issue. 

It would be equal to stating you came so it wasn’t against your will. Um, yea it was a jackass. See, the human body tends to just do things because, well, it built to do those things. Breathing, sweating, cumming and fertilizing are just a few of the things that just occur when the proper prerequisites are met. And while you don’t want to be raped, your body (because it doesn’t recognize the difference) can very well have an orgasm. Pregnancy works the same way. Maybe some middle school health class information might help: when sperm meets egg, fertilization can occur. So, logic (I know this must be a tough concept for out moron Congressman) states that even a rapist’s sperm can meet his victim’s egg and fertilize the shit out of it.

Again I ask if the ancient Greeks knew what could come of rape (like, say, Helen of Troy after her mama was pinned down by Zeus-as-a-swan) how the hell can there be people in offices of power who do not? This is not brain surgery (thank gods); this is something that we learn in school (or at least, the proof that school sex class is necessary). 

Please,  Representative Todd Arkin (R-MO), go away and crack open a book. Stop spewing this dangerous misinformation. And if you stand by your “I misspoke” defense, specify what you misspoke (though I doubt his team could in any way twist his words into something not borne of utter stupidity). Members of your own party are saying give up. Listen to them. And get the hell off of The Committee on Science, Space and Technology. You, sir, belong nowhere near anything relating to anything science when you so horribly misunderstand basic biology. And because I have no reason to believe he will leave his post, who do I complain to have this ignorant fool removed from said committee? 

While Bieber’s comment, though deplorable, may be debatable (and before you give me hell for that remark, read the original column, Rape. It Happens for a Reason first), what this political said is beyond even the pop-tarts idiotic rambling.  Rape is rape; there are no degrees. And rape can and does lead to pregnancies. Captain Cooter is not real and will not defend against the sperm of an evildoer. But Todd Arkin is. And his uneducated line of thinking is dangerous.

Do y’all have something to say? Do you want to share your story, opinion or understandings about the fight for equal rights for all Americans? Shoot me an email and if you want, I’ll post it right here on The Whores’ Anti-Defamation League’s column. And don’t worry; no need to publish real names. Everything will be as confidential as you want. I want to read your stories and share them with the world. Who knows, maybe what you say can help someone else going through hell.